Do Not Get Caught Licking Merchandise In Retail Stores!

Some idiot was reported to have been arrested for going into a chain grocery store and licking almost $2,000 (USD) worth of merchandise on display there in an apparent attempt to spread disease throughout the establishment.

Some other idiot went through another retail establishment deliberately coughing on openly-displayed produce, meat, packaged items and other things before being cuffed and removed from the premises.

So after hearing these horror stories, I have read recently where some other well-known retailers have learned the lessons about these kind of rogue customers and have started installing specially-marked sections of their premises where customers are actually encouraged to lick anything they can stick their tongues to.

“People are welcome to come in here and visit our licking section and lick to their heart’s’ content,” one store manager recently said, “And, if they in the mood, they can even lick me as well! I am not afraid of anything because I’ve already caught most everything that a human being can catch.”

It has also been reported that when the officers arrived to arrest the licking idiot I previously mentioned, some of them took their turn at licking things too and it required yet more officers to come to the scene to arrest their colleagues. Had it not been for a few dozen specially-trained pit bull dogs that the store kept on guard in their drive through, there might have been no end to the licking. The last time I heard anything about this incident, the pit bulls were busy licking each other.

Needless to say, the retailers in question did offer the licked merchandise at a deep discount.

The first idiot mentioned above who did the licking at the store was later given extended jail time because of being caught in the act of licking the bars on the jail cell. On being released on a bond of Two Hundred Thousand Dollars, the county where the idiot spent the jail time offered the idiot a job cleaning cell floors. The local superintendent of incarcerations told the media, “This person is a real discovery! We are saving thousands of dollars on cleaning supplies because of this person’s special talent. I can’t understand why there was ever an arrest and incarceration in this case!”

When the case finally came to court, the licker was awarded $10,000 in grant money and was offered a position with the local government as an advisor on sanitation.

2 thoughts on “Do Not Get Caught Licking Merchandise In Retail Stores!

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